So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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