I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
