I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
