Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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