I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
