im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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