So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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