Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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