We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
