well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
