Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
