She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
