Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
