So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
