Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
