Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
