That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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