I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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