my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
