Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
