Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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