You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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