i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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