Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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