I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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