All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
