Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
