i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
