I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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