...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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