I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
