I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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