im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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