Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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