i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
