Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
