Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
