Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
