I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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