I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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