The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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