Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
