In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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