I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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