Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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