She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
