4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
