We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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