I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
