Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
