If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
