he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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