No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
