Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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