someone threw a dead crab at me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
